ash like snow ;

HyunA (feat. G.NA and Junhyung) - A Bitter Day

2011-07-03T19:30:00.002+08:00

a bitter day, it will all get erased like this
it will all be forgotten someday
i might smile when the time comes
but i guess i can’t help it right now

even though the weather is great, my mood is not
i think you’re teasing me, and i get mad
i struggle because of these situations i can’t handle
the exact opposite of me, the world continues spinning as if nothing happened

you were living just fine
it’s not fair, this is unfair
people who look at me while passing by pity me
nothing goes right

i missed the place where i was supposed to get off at this morning
because i suddenly thought of you, i got off at a lonesome station
because it seemed lonely today of all days, tears just kept falling
i walked for a long time like that

i miss you, who i’ve been only hating, yet again
because the days when i was weak with no strength to hold onto you were so pathetic
a bitter day, it will all get erased like this

it will all be forgotten someday
i might smile when the time comes
but i guess i can’t help it right now
i can’t do anything

even though i’m sad because i’m thinking of you again right now
even though it will be difficult, i’ll keep trying to erase you
no matter what i say, it will sound like an excuse
even if i say that all of this was for you

because you were too good for me
because i was uncomfortable as if i were wearing clothes that didn’t match me
you’re beautiful, but you withered away from me
how do you think i felt while looking at that?

we should have just never started
i shouldn’t have looked into your eyes that first time
i thought i would be carefree once i let you go, but that wasn’t the case

my mind understands that we’ve separated
but my heart doesn’t want to accept it
missing you and trying to erase you, it repeats every day

i’ll be the one to take all the pain
i’d like it if you were just happy
so that the choice i make now doesn’t go to waste
so that i don’t regret it
i’ll always pray for you

a bitter day, it will all get erased like this
it will all be forgotten someday
i might smile when the time comes
but i guess i can’t help it right now
i can’t do anything

even though i’m sad because i’m thinking of you again right now
even though it will be difficult, i’ll keep trying to erase you
it’ll be forgotten little by little
when time passes, i’ll be able to smile and reminisce

instead of that common saying that time heals everything
tell me something that actually works
you can receive so much more love than what you got from me

you’re as beautiful as ever
you said we’d be together forever
in the end, we’re the same as others

a bitter day, it will all get erased like this
it will all be forgotten someday
that day will come

jonghun's cafe message; 23/3/11 3:57am

2011-03-24T15:38:00.002+08:00

Everyone had won against the fight with the cold spell in this early spring right?
I have switched off the lights and turned on my laptop to leave a message at such a late timing.
Just... Just... That... Er… I have nothing that I want to say. I am just slightly worried and my head is a little confused.
Please do not worry about me. ^^ The only son with blood type A has always been like this. ^^
Ah. I just happened to tilt my head to the right and saw the moon hanging there. Hehe. It is really beautiful~
I was thinking… If I lived on the moon, maybe I would lead a very comfortable and carefree life~

How should I describe the 1st 3 months of the year? I am already 22 years old and had also thought about leading a slightly different life.
There are many things that I want to do. Aside from playing, I also have many things that I want to learn. It is really a little too much. ^^
Because I did not do well enough for the things that I am currently doing, therefore I can only think about all of those ideas.
Hehe. What should I say? There are no fan meetings this time. There are also very few fan autograph sessions as well as activities ,, Hmm.
Everyone must be having mixed feelings right? We also like being busy and being on stage receiving everyone’s cheers. I have thought about these for many times…
Miss it a lot~ Right? Does everyone feel the same? I went to CNBlue’s Showcase not long ago. On that day, I also became a fan of our country’s artistes for the first time.
We are a family, but why do I like them so much ^^ I thought about many things while watching them perform~
Do our fans have the same feeling as me now? When you hear the song that you like and even though you are unable to express your feelings…
But in your heart, it resembles one being at a concert. Hehe. It is exactly that… I seem to be able to have a better understanding on our fans’ feelings.
Do you all love us very very much? Do you all treasure us very very much? Do you all want to see us very much? Do you all want to have skinship with us? Do you all want to do something for us..? Hehe.
Should I also hold the camera to take a picture of everyone once? Hehe. And~ I also wish to return to that time~
Even though I am around the same age as friends in CNBlue, but we debuted at a different time. During the times when we had no ideas and troubles, it seems to be the best.
I had many different ideas and really wanted to start on the album’s promotional activities as soon as possible. But now, I no longer do that, I would just spend each day meaninglessly. I worked really hard in doing everything.
Hope that everyone would be able to spend each and every day with precious and beautiful moments.
.
.
.
♡

p.s At such a late timing, I am grateful to the moon that is hanging up in the sky. By Jonghun who left a message.

Translated by multiplylove@silh0uette

Speaks for itself.

science discovery day

2011-03-18T16:37:00.002+08:00

Well - I haven't had this kind of fun in literally more than a year.

Today is Friday, March 18th 2011, and the Science Discovery Day in Taylor's University Lakeside Campus has just ended. It was... well... there were lots of discoveries I did make. Both in terms of knowledge and about people. Y'know.... the 'getting comfortable' side? :)

Only two other classmates (EG, KC) went, and tbh I was looking forward to it because I don't really... click that well with my class. I'm fine with EG though - I actually like his presence, whenever he notices me I guess. Popular guy :P

So I came to college at 8 and see a whole lot of blue science-nerd shirt-wearing people (I am one of them -.-). Later I find out that the participants were not only from TCSJ A-Level, but also the Sri Hartamas International Baccalaureate (IB) students. Interesting! Kinda stoned alone for a while texting Cyn and Sarah, then sat with EG in the bus.

Reached Lakeside, and hey there was breakfast waiting for us! n_____n Curry puffs, meehoon and a choice of either coffee or teh tarik (I took 2 cups of the latter). Ate like a hungry person I was. 8D Then it was to the opening speech, bla bla bla and then to the first workshop: Biosciences!

Our first activity was to make - guess what? - candy! (lol the itinerary says 'magic' candy but there was nothing particularly magical about it imo. Other from the fact that I helped make it 8D) It definitely set the mood for the day, making me all excited and adsjkdshajdashhaaaawoooo *___* most of the time lols. Heated sugar+syrup till 140 degrees celsius then added colouring. And pouring into jelly moulds was a messy, messy process, but fun as hell! Spreading our (group included EG, KC, Wilson, KC's friend and... Eng Hian was it?) hardening syrup into the mould then all over the aluminium foil. A few of us made letters - there was an L and and F accidentally made, and I immediately claimed it for my own XD (littlefuji baybeh) Got a ribbon candy too that I ate on the bus back to college.

Looooooved the first event, then the second one was boring stuff. Electrophoresis, been there done that in the earlier Chem workshop. Nothing much to talk about except we poked the agarose gel to pieces LOL.

Then at 11am, it was 'morning tea break'! But we just ate like 3 hours ago! Who cares pft. Ate a green roll and some round brown kuih (lol idk the names) and drank coffee. Mmmm.

2nd workshop: Pharmacy. The first activity was to synthesise paracetamol using some NH2-phenol. Pretty basic Chem lab stuff, the paracetamol came out in crystal, salt-like form. The lecturer was so darn serious and suffocating though. -___- Did not enjoy his presence k.

Next activity was explanations of quality control in tablets, I liked this guy in charge :D very informative stuff like how to compress a tablet, and how to test the breakdown and the dissolution of the tablets using special super-canggih machines. lols But pharmacy feels so...technical and dead and I don't really want to do it TT

1-2pm: Lunchtime! Yummy food *____* rendang chicken, briyani rice, delish curry and the sweet pickled cucumber side dish I love. Very good. Saw Sarahhhhh!!! :DDDDD Talked about life and problems and stuff. LOVED IT. :D Missed her sfm ok.

Last workshop was of medicine. The first activity was enlightening, biochemical screening of blood and urine. (plus a bonus look at a plasticized half a head and torso and leg of a German person....) Did the urine test. The results came out in receipt form LOL.

Second activity omg, the lady in charge was a total bitch and made everyone who claimed they weren't interested in medicine leave the lab. I mean, wtf is wrong with you?! I stayed just to spite her mentally. Did vital statistics, eg. measuring blood pressure. Fail though XD;

Then bus ride home. Mmm. It rained. :[ And EG left halfway. Wilson guy is interesting though. Hope I can keep the friendship.

what should i say? my life story?

2011-03-13T16:34:00.003+08:00

Mom just had a fit of rage, as she's prone to every week or so. She forced me to miss guitar class today to fold my clothes because I didn't do it earlier. I cried so much my tissues fill up one-third of the wastepaper basket. I practiced excitedly for my lesson today as I was impatient to learn more of Metallica's One, which I'm beginning to love. Now I have to wait until Tuesday.

I guess it's because both my sister and I are so lazy and unwilling to clean up our mess sometimes. But heck, I do try out of guilt and responsibility. Admittedly, quite often I don't listen to her orders. I hate washing dishes, I feel way too lazy to clean my room and fold my clothes. And she just goes ballistic about it every single day. When she sees me she starts telling me to clean this and tidy that.

I'm hella tired of her directing me to do things every day. I don't blame her, after all it is her responsibility to make us better. But she unfailingly tells me to do things every day, again and again and again, and I feel like I have no longer a mind of my own. I just do as I'm told. I am surpressed to the point whereby I can't think for myself or even rebel. Maybe that's why I'm just not doing what she tells me to do anymore. Some part inside me says that enough is enough.

From her, I practiced my stony face to perfection - I never show my temper or emotion to her out of respect and fear. I don't want to be like my sister, who has a short fuse and would be annoyed with every sound or disturbance around her, especially my mom's nagging. I wanted to show everyone I could be patient. But now it's just turned to chronic ignorance. I simply shut out the things I don't want to see and hear.

And the people as well. My dad, who doesn't talk to me other from asking what time my college ends and endless shouting about me being on the computer too much. My sister that I haven't properly talked to in seven years, who keeps her disgusted face on all the time and leaves her mess around and sticks to her computer as well. And my mom, who on her good days is as sweet as a feather, but on bad days will scream in her high-pitched voice endlessly, and even will throw clothes out of the house and into the dustbin as she feels like it. And I just ignore everything. We are like strangers under the same roof. We're all suffering.

My parents already know of me wanting to move out and being on my own. I guess this is where I start becoming serious. I texted YL to see whether there is any room for rent in the house near Taylor's she's staying in. Although I can barely take care of myself - in fact I think I'm going to run into a lot of problems - I want to learn to try. I want to be independent. I don't want to feel old and sad and....not live anymore.

I don't have a life. I've become introverted and awkward around people because I have no one to practice my social skills with. Thus I have few friends, which kills me inside as I am a very fun-loving person. And with my friends I am insecure about how they view me. To top it all, the acne on my face makes me feel ashamed to even look people in the eye. I feel trapped in college and studies. The two things that make me feel alive, relaxed and happy is catching up on Korean pop and updates and listening to good (not too heavy) rock music. It's like my calling. My saviour. My escape until life snaps me back to reality with either screaming, or silence.

to be strong like you

2011-03-01T17:24:00.002+08:00

If simple sense will not succeed,
I make no bustling, but abide:
For shining wealth or scaring woe,
I force no friend, I fear no foe.

-Careless Content, poem by John Byrom

One day, I will stop caring about petty things like feeling lonely without friends. But that day is not today, either.

When?

little things of love

2011-02-26T23:27:00.010+08:00

Message to FT Island - I submitted it through loveft-i.net for FTI's 4th anniversary ^^

FT Island, four years seem to have passed in a blink of an eye, right? Without your knowledge, I've been on the FTI bus for the last year, silently supporting you all the way from Malaysia~ I'm sure you guys have gone through a lot of disappointing and tiring experiences along the way, but there must have been a lot of happy times that cannot be replaced ^^

Just like my own personal journey with you guys - each day that ticks by seems insignificant, but when I look back to it there's been so many emotions and meaning that is hard to put into words. FT Island has redefined my taste of music into our own brand of rock, which injects hope into my every day!

Hongki, Jaejin, Seunghyun, Jonghun, Wonbin too - and especially dearest sweet Minhwan, thank you for being here with us, although not physically but spiritually. Please come to Malaysia to meet the Pris here, we're anxiously waiting for you!!

Chooi Yi, Malaysia

And I posted a cover of IU's The Story Only I Didn't Know on YouTube today. Please listen and comment :)

number six

2011-02-20T13:55:00.008+08:00

"Thank you so much to Melissa, for insisting on calling me even though I told her not to, and Chooi Yi, for listening to me rant on MSN even though it was a ridiculously small matter."

No. Thank YOU for thanking me, Lynn unnie. It makes me feel appreciated as a friend... which I often don't feel.

My real life friend circle is nearly completely barren. I only have one single friend whom I trust unconditionally, and she's from my high school. Rubini. :) Person who's not even reading my blog anymore, huuhhhh? And there's one more whom I'm getting to re-know and start being friends again. Who willingly admitted she was sorry and tried to make it up to me. How could I not accept? I missed you too. A third girl whom I spend my time with in class, but rarely talk to. So... Jonghun's recent tweet really got to me.

"Translation: When you are with someone who doesn’t talk much and both of you are quiet, then your partner is a dull person. However, when you are with someone with lots of charm but both of you are quiet, then you are the dull person."

I can freely, almost meanly say, that she's the dull one. Maybe the things I say make her uncomfortable. I always ask her for her opinion on things just to know her thoughts and stuff, but every time she shrugs and smiles awkwardly. Wooooah okayyy. Wth is that supposed to mean? And she doesn't like people touching her. Huh?? Just... what. Can't I have someone.... normal? /frustrated

But what makes me most disappointed is that I'm always the one who gives everything I can to a friend dear to me. But when I need her, I still have to be the one to reach out. She'd listen, yes, but no. I don't want to intrude into her life if she doesn't miss me the way I do. 7 years of friendship... maybe it's just that I can't understand her, or I'm too sensitive... or she really can live without us being close. Unlike me who misses her company all the time.

pretty, thank you

2011-02-14T17:46:00.003+08:00

Something happened, such that I couldn't help but want to post again.

Today was a college day as usual, albeit with half the class missing, probably romping around malls with friends or some romantic date with boy/girlfriends. I posed questions to my lecturers as usual, as I was wont to do every time a curiosity pops up in my mind. I'm never shy to do so, I've noted, so one can't really call me a true introvert I guess.

But today I felt very relaxed and very much at peace with myself. I disturbed YL, letting out some of my ~annoying~ side, and she seemed to like it ^^ hehe. I didn't feel lonely either. I think it's because watching Bridge to Terabithia seemed to strike such a parallel with me and Jesse that I actually, unknowingly found courage to live my life without worrying about anyone else. That a strong, wide imagination can not only give company, but a sense of happiness.

Mr. P did not do up his usual faux mohawk hair today, and with the sad floppy hair he looked like a chubby LITTLE BOY /laughs till I die/ And I somehow managed to rip half of my Biology application booklet from its binding in one pull, I was literally convulsing in laughter at the two parts in my hands. It just looked so odd XDDDD Chemistry was okay, liked Ms. C's black shirt with dark + light blue polka dots. Mr. K was normal, and Lit was cancelled today so~. Yep!

Moving on... after class I headed to the library to relax and do my Maths homework. It's my habit to stay back at college at least 2 hours nearly every day, so to say. Did most of my Mechanics homework, but by the end of it my head was spinning and I was like AISH forget it I can't think anymore lol. Then I got up to go to the toilet and I noticed, on the empty table behind me, there were three paper roses and two tiny paper cranes lined up neatly at the side. Someone had gently made it and left it there for somebody to find.

And that somebody was me.

I smiled and picked them up. Such beautiful things.

When I think hard about it, it's probably a girl who made the origami - I can't really imagine guys making random roses and cheesy stuff and setting it on the table XD But I don't really mind, because whoever that person was, s/he was thoughtful enough to do it. All day long, I've been seeing girls holding small bouquets of flowers around college, and I felt so happy/excited for them. So even though this was like... a random find, I can't help but appreciate it.

Shoutout to the person: THANK YOU! ♥

So there you go - my first 'flowers'. XD Then I thought OH, wait but how do I bring it back? It was a full handful of delicate paper shapes and if I place it in my bag, it would get all squished :'( But it so happens that today, I brought a palm-sized container filled with chocolate cookies to eat/share at college today. And there was only one piece left, so I gobbled it up.

The little things fit in perfectly. :D

Thank you, person who thought of making someone, this someone who sometimes wished she was invisible, feel special on Valentine's Day.

'she'd have wanted you to have it.'

2011-02-14T08:40:00.003+08:00

Bridge of Terabithia was very touching and rooted so deeply into reality that it became a particularly powerful movie for me. There were so many things about Jesse that I could identify with - the crazy family, feeling unloved and lonely, having next to no friends at school, not speaking very much. I'm not the typical introvert, but most of my life has transformed into silence. I've forgotten about the power of imagination of a child, though - I was raising an eyebrow through the first half an hour of the movie. But I soon got infected with Leslie's passionate, unsufferable optimism and became just like Jesse. Learning that if you believe in it, it's real. :)

Today is Valentine's Day. It will be an ordinary day for me. I'd like to go out with some of the friends I miss, but I don't think it'll work out. I'll give Rubini a call though. Maybe Sarah too. Or Liyana, who knows? Since I have so much (noooot really) credit anyway. I wonder how Minhwan will spend his day. Stuck at the studio like me at college? Go out and enjoy, boy. :)

roses are grey, irises are white

2011-02-08T00:58:00.012+08:00

Breathe.

Isn't this beautiful? I wish I could melt into the picture and be that girl.

I stumbled onto a beautiful blog, which happens to be from the creator of my current blogskin. I was all D': about it, then I browsed through the creator's other layouts to see whether she had any other nice ones. The link was there, and I entered her blog.

Wow. Beautiful, thought-provoking pictures. Little snippets of text that were deep and intriguing at the same time. Shapes, colors of various forms and hues.

I used to be able to think like that, to have the sky and the earth within me. I could be self-absorbed and read long fics, write poems, dream as much as I liked. I'd hope of love to come, a really handsome, popular guy to fall for me, irrevocably and passionately. We'd live happily ever after until the end of our days. Even now it is the same, except that Prince Charming took on the more precise form of Choi Minhwan. The handsome drummer of a Korean band.

Dreams mix with reality and become a realistic dream that is impossible to get out of. Something one doesn't want to get out of.

When I think back, my whole life goal was to love and be loved XD; So corny.

Then life happened. I started caring. I became afraid of being judged and began to second-guess myself all the time. Every day is an odd feeling of not being myself. I can't. Somehow I've lost that fire. The flint in my life has all but disappeared. I'm always with my family, but we're pretty dysfunctional. Not broken, no - but that really depends on how you look at it. Eldest sister living not too far, but returns home once a year. Second sister which is a Grinch and difficult to please and be with. Parents that I feel regard me as a disappointment of never wanting to study. Where are my friends? I don't have anyone anymore. They're all far away. I can't seem to reach them anymore.

Then there's FT Island. There's beautiful, gentle, silly Minhwan. But he's a dream. I must keep reminding myself of this. I always seem to on my blog, don't I? The reason is this: it doesn't work. He's glued to the inside of my skull with super-adhesive glue, and to take my escape from reality away is like taking away my drug. I'm addicted, hopelessly. Because they're the best. FT Island is the one and only. I have nothing else I have such passion for.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm revived - when I'm outside enjoying myself. Shopping. Experiencing the world. But my parents will be there, putting down my naivete. Yes, I spend on impulse. But only on cheap things - rarely more than a couple dollars each time. They think I'm gathering rubbish. But I just want to be happy. I like new things. What's wrong with that?

I have no space to myself. Yet I'm afraid of being alone. I am alone.

I need to know people. I NEED to. But with this face, this skin that I tear off every single day - how can I do that when I don't even trust my voice? Or my face? How can I stop myself from all this self-pity? HOW CAN I DO THIS? I just want to go back to the time before my brain was poisoned with self-hate. I want to be innocent again.

See? It's starting again. You computer addict. You're useless.

Don't you ever wonder why I'm so addicted? Because I feel that my electronic screen knows and understands more about me than you guys ever will. Is there anything else you want to know?

switching over loves

2011-01-20T17:48:00.011+08:00

So many memorable things that make my heart swell with happiness.
(note for the uninitiated: The things that pass through a fangirl's mind when watching a video from their bias group) (in chronological order)

♥ The simplified keyboard notes. I don't think Jaejin is as good as Jonghun in keyboard, but I guess they just wanted to keep things simple :) Smart~

♥ MINHWAN SINGING. ALREADY DEAD. Boy doesn't get very much spotlight at the back, his voice is rarely heard during performances or even concerts because as the drummer, he's consigned to the back with his drumset. He's too far away to have good fantaken pics of vids, the elusive handsome guy. But here Minhwan is, the main guy in my heart and now stage, in all his smiley glory.

♥ Again, Minhwan singing. His voice... I don't think he could make a real living off singing, but his voice is so cute and y'know, has a little nasal quality to it. It's so... Minhwan. It's so adorable and aegyo without even trying.

♥ THE FLOWER ROCK WIGS LMAO. I see them and I instantly start laughing, the mops of fake hair are so stupid looking I can't even take the boys seriously hahaha. I had to fight down severe laughter watching it last night.

♥ Hongki wearing Minhwan-style wig XDDDDDDD And with that unfashionable blue cleaner jumpsuit he looks like some hobo wannabe-rocker XDDDD Also, blonde JEREMYYYY on drums FACE ALONE SO AEGYO?

♥ I care about you~ I think about you~ /dies eeeeeeeeee

♥ Hohoh the way Minhwan holds his mic. He looks a bit awkward keke :3

♥ Hongki smirking at the back behind his drums LMAO /smacks

♥ LMAO HOLY FATHER SEUNGHYUN DOING THAT NGGGGGGGGGH FULL OF EMOTION FACE HAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL LAUGH EVERY TIME I SEE THIS

♥ To get a good look at Minhwan's face for an entire song <3333 His eyelids ke

♥ LOL AT HONGKI SHAKING HIS HEAD (IE. HIS WIG) FROM SIDE TO SIDE LOOKS SO STUPID LMAO

♥♥♥♥♥ Omg the best part. MINHWAN'S SNORTLAUGH AT THE END OF JOGEUM SARAMMAN NAEYO. /squeals so hard HIS WTF FACE like 'XD I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS AH I'M SO EMBARRASSED' and he laughed out his next line AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Minhwan looks the sweetest when he smiles!!!

♥ Hongki cannot hold back his amusement like me and made that toothy XD grin HAHAHAHA /laughs again

♥ Grandpa Seunghyun trying to look cool but looking like an orang bertapa with that wig LMAO He looks stressed out tbh keke

♥ Fro!Jaejin poking his last notes on the keyboard XD Cheeky boy~~~

Wow this is fangirling extended out KEKEKEKEKE :'D

FT Island, only you.

2010-12-27T19:40:00.003+08:00

Last day of being seventeen, my favourite age. I remember back when I was 12, when I rp-ed in Gaia I'd always put my roleplay character as 17. I thought back then that it was the perfect age. Not too old, not too young - the best time to live. But actually experiencing it, it was just another year. It wasn't all that awesome. Lots of time I was lonely. And college was stressful, having few friends and having to study difficult concepts and failing exams. But there was FT Island, which of course, made it all better. They were, and are, my happiness. Temporary, though - during other times I'm just... I feel like a doll. Staring blankly ahead, waiting for someone to wind me so I can move and laugh and not be mechanical.

I just wish that there were people excited for my birthday. Friends. Then maybe I'll have a pretty cake with candles, and all of us singing Happy Birthday at the top of our lungs. And I'll be queen for the day, but we'll all be happy together and go out and have fun somewhere. But that's just a daydream. My friends are distant. I'm not sure if anyone cares anymore. My family is quiet. They're not the raucuous type. All I'm going to do is to sit in front of my laptop and speak to my twitter. (or blog, in this case - I posted most of these lines on my twitter.) I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I could even do anything. Worse still, I don't think anyone'll come.

I wonder if I'll ever live. There's just no one to look forward to. Minhwan is wonderful, but he's also impossible. As much as I like the guy, he is a Korean idol loved by thousands of fans. Like I'd ever end up with him.

I can't help but feel like a disillusioned old woman. But I'm just a lonely average girl. Is there something wrong with this picture?

Happy birthday to me.

two less lonely people

2010-12-16T21:20:00.005+08:00

Do you ever feel like when you browse through other people's lives (eg. Facebook/Blogger/Formspring) you get overwhelmed with how alive they are?

I just feel small and non-existent.

So I'm on my end-year break now. It's just one month. It's about to be a week now; today's Thursday. It's nice how days melt into each other and you don't really have to care about anything else. 80% of my waking time is spent on checking twitter, allkpop and Youtube for FTI-related things. Sometimes my eyes feel like they're gonna fall out from the screen glare, but *shrugs* what else better do I have to do? Besides, FT Island is all I ever want. ♥ I haven't even started watching stuff like Chef's Kiss or God of Study yet too lololol.

Then there's breaks for meals and TV. Meals are ordinary Chinese fare most of the time, either noodles or rice with dishes or something of that sort. I really liked yesterday's lunch though, because it was Korean mushroom Shin Ramyun, with chunks or tuna, chilli, egg and sausage in it. Lovely. ♥ I always feel happy after good food. On TV, there's this daily Chinese series I watch with my mom called "Beauty's Rival In The Palace", which is just as corny as it sounds. It's obviously a feminist show because all the powerful men are dumb as fuck. Haha. It's gonna end really soon though. Might miss the mild amusement I have at the complicated plot. Of course there's the usual Fringe and Mentalist, in fact I'm still lagging behind on one episode of Fringe. Might just watch it online later.

I've been reading too. I'm sure everyone knows The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? It's pretty good... and rather irksome because I just want to find out who killed Harriet. But I haven't been reading consistently XD It's been approximately 3 days since I touched it. Only about a quarter through. :[

Laaaastly is what I've been planning to focus on but failing - guitarrrrrr. Need to practice more but I've been so lazy and demotivated with trying to play bend vibrato. It's so.....depressing. >______< I NEED to pull myself out of this rut. I promised my Nightstar I will take it touring someday. (if by touring I mean just random gigs at clubs or w/e I can manage)

So that's been my break so far :)

so what are you gonna do when you get home?

2010-12-08T15:23:00.002+08:00

I wrote this, in my pretty notebook paper -
but I'm putting this here so I can remember.

It's like I know what I should do, but I don't do it. It's stressful. I just want to relax. But girl, you should know your priorities. I should, I should. I always say that, don't I?

To be quite honest, it's quite a crazy thing if one actually wants to sacrifice fun with stress. But he's right - it's all in the attitude.

As a student, there simple isn't enough time to have both a vibrant life and to be a good student. This is the cold, hard, simple truth. Life isn't all sunflowers and sweet-smelling roses - never was, never will be. Always things to do, always things to catch up on.

More and more is demanded of you -
Difficult things you'd rather not do.

This rings true for student life, but it applies, even with "making music" as you've always wanted and dreamed of doing. Perhaps even more. You can't always do what you want, or get your way. But you should still be thankful for being where you are right now. Many people would do inexpressible things to be in your place.

Somehow, you've gotta suck it all up and live with it. Not just live - improve. You like FT Island and Kpop? Want to buy their albums? You need money. You have it right now, yeah. Free cash flow from Mom and Dad. But what about next time, whwn you go out into the world with only your own two legs for support?

He's right. Education determines your status quo in life. I'm privileged enough to be enrolled in a costly A-Levels college course, but even now - I'm still a post-SPM student with a slack-off, want-to-enjoy-to-the-max attitude.

I've paid dearly for it already - my AS sucks. Look at Chem. P1. It's completely unbelievable if I told anyone, but I was literally playing guesswork in the one hour used to answer the 40 questions. Freaking embarrassment.

Now A2 looms. Do you really WANT to do badly again, when you know you can do much better? Hard work. You can avoid it if you want, no problem. But you'll be the one regretting it when you're learning a concept for the umpteenth time, with classmates a year younger than you.

This is real life, baby. There's no erase. No backspace. The needle only goes forward, etching out the present with the choices you've made for yourself.

still alive, still breathing

2010-10-21T19:23:00.003+08:00

What about you? Alive, or barely?

I'm doing just fine. :) Better since I came back from UK. Less reserved, more me. Thank God for that - I don't think I could have survived much longer being cooped up in myself in class like that. I'm not shy by nature, not really. Just a lil' bit awkward and easily embarassed though, I admit. :P Thanks YL, CS, Sam for being company. ♥

Have I mentioned just how much I love FT Island? If anything, my love for them grows daily. Well, maybe not - I can't prove it. (How can one measure growth in love? /science nerd kicking in) But I know for sure, my love for them stays just as strong, every day that passes. Maybe 'cause they're so active, so I have no time to fall out of love with them. XD Wow, so pessimistic huh? But they're special. Somehow - honestly - they've become my happiness. FT, music, guitar and singing. That's it, really. My obsessions. :D

Actually I'm in the middle of my AS-Level exam, keke~ Just had my Biology Practical Paper 36 today :) It was okay~ Being in Shift 2 wasn't as awful as I expected because it gave me time to study/read through more experiments. I think I did more or less okay. *nods* I'm not supposed to discuss the contents of the paper until tomorrow afternoon, so~ /wanted to say something but backspaced crazily

My Nightstar got a facelift!~ Well not really a FACElift, but he got his strings changed and a coat of oil on his fretboard. The strings are pretty cool, the 3 thicker ones are black while the other 3 are golden :D Not like the usual metal colour, keke~ Basically it looks good, and I missed him so much the 4 days he was gone. T___T

I also got a Gibson padded guitar strap since my old one (probably dirt-cheap, since it came free with the guitar) was starting to tear at the ends. Fake leather. :| Anyways my new strap is EPIC comfortable :DD Blue repeated Gibson logo is both cool and intrusive though. XD Still, RM68 for a guitar strap. :[ Freaking expensive! I love it anyhows~ it'll probably last me a long long time. :p

Hahahaha I'm just rambling now. But that's okay right? That's what you came for to read right, dear reader? <3 I have to go get dinner now, might as well end this entry :] Just lemme repeat one thing for you:

I love FT Island. Now, and always. I'm a proud Primadonna.

pure, raw me

2010-07-12T15:31:00.003+08:00

Which is worse - to suffer in silence, or to suffer of it?

The pain just won't go away. I hate being needy, but I just can't help it. I crave constant companionship, but I'm picky about the friends I choose to associate myself with. I just don't know anymore. I watch them laugh and hang out with each other, but I just feel like I can't fit in with them. I have friends, although very few, but pretty much none in my own class. It's just weird, I feel completely - utterly - out of place. I'm frightened of being a loner. But it's all I can do, to endure the daily silence.

Now I think about it, I have a huge chance of failing my Maths AS exam. I'm not even joking anymore. I can't understand anything that's being taught in class, let alone do my homework. Even if I paid utmost attention to him. Once in a while, I actually do understand my lecturer, but when it comes to problem-solving I just blank out. Blank out. I just have no idea how to begin, or if I manage that, how to continue. Just... how, how am I going to take my exams in a little more than a month?

My internet obsession is there as well. The moment I log onto AIM, or twitter, or LiveJournal, or even the super-overrated Facebook, there's people around I can talk to. It substitutes for my near-lack of offline social life. Even if no one's online, I have my Korean reality shows to watch, Kpop news to catch up with, music to enjoy. It's nice, but I can't help but feel it's only a form of escapism. Maybe there's a lot of people going through the same thing too, but everyone responds differently to situations. And I have no doubt I'm not doing well at all.

I should count my blessings, though. Despite everything, I still have Sarah. And Cyn Dee. Even if I don't see them quite as often as I'd like (not so much Cyn since I see her like ever day lol), they're there if I need them. I have wonderful rp friends to drown myself in alternate reality with. Damn, this isn't working. Okay. I have a guitar~~~ Nightstar, and that in itself is awesome k. :D

Lol. I just don't know anymore. Everything is coming to boiling point.

What now?

my blog is immortal

2010-06-15T12:27:00.006+08:00

I'm going to get fat. = = Two weeks of break will hate on my body. At least I have the 'right' to go online as much as I want for this period of time :') Is having a nice, long rp with Sungmin-mun. How great~

I probably won't be able to fulfill the challenge Khim set for me to talk to him by the end of this month. Idk. <___< I both want him to leave it alone AND push me to do it. It's pretty stupid, really. x__X w/e. I'm just going to escape into the world of internetz for now.

The TRAX has pretty awesome music. I looove Cold-hearted Man, it's such a sad song. So the vocalist has a deep, strong voice, and Jungmo the guitarist is pretty darn badass. :') They need more exposure!

author: mary frye

2010-05-20T20:05:00.001+08:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

where, how

2010-05-18T15:58:00.004+08:00

Today was a pretty shitty day. Sm-mun's procrastination in posting is driving me insane, I (secretly? idk) got pissed off at a guy in my class and generally just felt very emo. Seeing Cyn Dee/my sheep made me feel better, but not much. Lol.

And it's not just me either - my Maths teacher got a call that his father-in-law passed away and won't be around for the rest of the week. I don't get how they could scream 'Yay!' for him not being around for the rest of the week - how fucking inconsiderate could they be?!

While F got told off for copying for being kind in lending someone her homework. Really, today is just nasty.

Sigh... I just wish Sm-mun would hurry up with it. (._.;)

love light

2010-05-10T17:33:00.002+08:00

It's May~~ Did anyone miss me? :3

I'm at college right now, listening to Suju's new song BONAMANA. It's hilarious - I'm not sure why, it just makes me lol. Hehe~ I can't wait for FT Island's new Japanese major debut single to come out though! FLOWER ROCK~~~ ♥ Hongki Jaejin Minhwan Jonghun Seunghyun. You guys rock. :')

I have my Moral exam tomorrow afternoon. x__X>a bit I mean, a lot. Can't let us down! D< But I'm feeling really tired... for some reason I just can't sleep on Sunday nights. I think it's the guilt of not finishing homework/whiling my weekend away. But it just happens. ;w; Sigh. I miss talking to J. I hope she's fine, babysitting or not~ and that she does well for her finals. Though you'll likely never see this, hwaiting dear! ♥

akdasdkasjdakdjk I started out today nearly having a nervous breakdown at 4am in the morning because I couldn't sleep a wink. But then I rp-ed, and then... everything just got better. Thank God for it. ^____^=

Okay my dad is here to pick me up~ Seeya soon! I'll try to update 8DDD

ft island's

2010-04-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

~Troublemaker~

Wearing torn up jeans and my bright hair
It might look weird in people’s eyes,
But I am going to walk on dreaming my own dreams

They might call me a troubled kid
They may laugh at me, gossip and tease me,
but I am going to succeed and show them all

I am a trouble. Even the names they call me will one day change
I am going to surprise the world
I am a trouble. Even if they stand in my way, I’m not going to stop
Proudly, I will stand my ground

They tell me to walk in the same direction,
But boring things don’t interest me
Don't force me to live like a robot

They may call me a rebellious kid,
But I won’t be a fool. I won’t give up
I am going to make a great future

I am a trouble. Even the names they call me will one day change
I am going to surprise the world
I am a trouble. Even if they stand in my way, I’m not going to stop
Proudly, I will stand my ground

The eyes that look at me through colored glasses,
I am not afraid of anything

I can fly higher. The day my name shines bright
Everyone prepare, that day is coming near
I can fly higher. Stand up and shout,
Throw away your worries. Now is the beginning

I can fly higher. Shout! We are going to charge
At the world that underestimated us for being young
I can fly higher. Hold on to your precious dreams
One step at a time, now is the beginning!

that was really weird

2010-03-26T15:48:00.008+08:00

So I decided to not be antisocial for once and followed some of my classmates to go hang out at Starbucks. We had a fun game of checkers (deepest darkest secrets are involved lol) and it was basically awesome. Heh. As icing on the cake, I saw my Korean guy there, hanging out with his Korean/Chinese guy friends. They were still there when we left, I wonder if they're still there now? >///< Food for thought - Starbucks sofas are damn soft and comfortable. ♥

I still feel a bit strange though. Like I don't really fit in. But whatever it is, hanging out with my classmates for a change was definitely fun. :')

Later at 7pm our Lit class is going to KLPAC for a drama workshop, I hope that it would be interesting too. Getting back home at around 12am wouldn't be fun though. D: Idk I might be really tired by the end. I'm feeling a bit burned out already. Maybe I'll take a nap at the library (where I am right now, updating my blog XD).

Hm, this sounds pretty personal for me. Today is... a strange day.

Edit:
KLPAC was even more awesome. Steamboat dinner at 6-something, then Eu Gene drove a bunch of us monkeys (Jiaway, Wei Lynn, me) there. We were supposed to follow Mr. Andrew's car, but there was a point where we got lost and we basically started freaking out. Thank God for GPS~

We eventually found Mr. Andrew's car again, with the radio blasting "Tonight's gonna be a good night~" Hell, it definitely was. And the drama workshop the next morning too. ♥

herein i will imitate the sun

2010-03-24T20:58:00.007+08:00

I know you all, and will awhile uphold
The unyoked humour of your idleness:
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted, he may be more wonder'd at,
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.
If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;
But when they seldom come, they wish'd for come,
And nothing pleaseth but rare accidents.
So, when this loose behavior I throw off
And pay the debt I never promised,
By how much better than my word I am,
By so much shall I falsify men's hopes;
And like bright metal on a sullen ground,
My reformation, glittering o'er my fault,
Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes
Than that which hath no foil to set it off.
I'll so offend, to make offence a skill;
Redeeming time when men think least I will.

- Prince Hal, Act 1 Scene 2
Henry IV Part 1 by W. Shakespeare

until you return, i'll look for you

2010-03-04T20:46:00.007+08:00

I saw him again today. OMFGHYESSSSSS. I totally squealed when I did, because I haven't seen him around for like, 2 weeks? DX "Him" is referring to the guy that finishes college the same time as me every Tuesday and Thursday. I usually try to catch him pass by me. (Lol I sound like such a stalker. I swear I'm not! DDD:) I don't know a single thing about him, only that he's in Anime club as well. But he doesn't attend meetings :/

He's like my perfect guy, looks-wise. Korean-ish eyes, small but actually quite endearing. And he has slim facial features, but not overly girly either. Quite thin, dark brown hair, approximately a head taller than me. He always wears a white hoodie, which color somehow fits him really well. :')

Maybe I'll talk to him someday, when I feel confident enough to carry myself. A long time from now. I'm just curious about how he's really like. I've seen him interact with his friends before (he wasn't alone the first time I saw him), but I'm sure there's much more than the image I have of him. Ah, I can dream, can't I?

Been doing Korean entertainment roleplays lately. I have one character - Liu Amber of f(x), but I'm getting another one in a couple days, dearest Choi Minhwan from FT Island. ♥ Food for thought: both are born in the same year as me :D

Came online to type out my Eng Lit essay, which I'm doing after I finish eating dinner and this post. Got Chem test to study for tomorrow :(

Also: SPM results on March 11th? SHIT.

jfc

2010-02-25T14:30:00.004+08:00

I really fucking hate myself sometimes. Today was my Bio test (3 chapters), and my time management is so goddamn bloody lousy that I barely studied. And the best part is, I didn't know the answers to like, three-quarters of my paper. Dammit! I'm going to be put on Ms. Lena's fail list and that's not because I'm stupid. Just fucking lazy, which is worse in a way.

Goddammit. I always feel so depressed and fucking pissed off after finishing an exam poorly. <____< ARGH I hate myself. Dude! College is like RM11k for Sem 1 alone. *super headdesk* How could I do this to myself and waste all that money in the process? Can't I not be lazy for once...?

*SIGH*

I'm going to go on LJ for a bit (I'm at college right now) and then at 3pm, go down and wait to see that cute Korean-ish guy I kinda like (but have never talked to - shallowness x_x) pass me by. Which is good enough, for now. I guess.

i feel your love forever

2010-01-31T00:14:00.007+08:00

College's been okay for me. New environment, new everything. Classes are cold, there're loads of shops right opposite the buildings, lots of people (Hot guys? There are several :'D)...

So how come I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought I would?

i didn't know how to keep you warm

2010-01-31T00:14:00.004+08:00

Friday was a great day. College started at 9am instead of 8am because the LAN/Moral teacher was absent, so I had an hour to uh, read a bit of my Bio notes for the test. I scored 9/10 though, much better than my previous score of 5/10. Woot! After college finished at 1pm (yay short day!), I popped by to the library to go online and type out my rp application for Liu Amber. *snicker* It's been accepted, I now play Amber in simplelovegroup, an LJ rp :)

Missed Korean class by accident (it was at 2pm and I messed up the time), but attended the first Anime club meeting. It was quite awesome. Yi Laine joined all of my 3 clubs by coincidence (Music, Anime, Arirang) which means I got a partner in crime! :D And best of all, I met Alison! I knew her through Sook Yee/Momoko, an online friend I found through the alice_nine community. She was the one that passed me my VANDALIZE. But we didn't realize that till like an hour later when I asked her if she was on alice_nine. Turns out she's razorxroses XD Awesomecakes!

I got a text from her. No comment - I just want to forget everything now. I'm ready to let it go.

FT Island - Don't Love lyrics translation

2010-01-11T13:59:00.004+08:00

I swear to God, everyone needs to listen to this. Very cry-worthy.

I have to leave, I have to hurry and leave
Affection will soon turn to tears
So that I can’t see the one I left behind
I have to hurry a bit more and leave

She is crying, the love that I leave
The overwhelming sadness is flowing
It is so difficult to take a step
With her back to me
She stands, crying

Don’t ever love
Heartbreak will surely come
It hurts to even breathe
I thought that this would only hurt
as much as I loved
But I was wrong.
It hurts a thousand times more

I’m afraid of living with my eyes open
Because I know if I look for you I won’t see you
It seems better to fall asleep exhausted
After longing for you

Don’t ever love
Heartbreak will surely come
It hurts to even breathe
I thought that this would only hurt
as much as I loved
But I was wrong.
It hurts a thousand times more

Just once, one more time, can’t we try it?
Can’t we?
I cry out like an idiot to myself

Don’t ever love
It hurts enough to die
You will cry every day
I told myself that when love comes again
that it would be easier and that it would last
But I was wrong. Not for my love
Not for me

This song makes me incredibly sad. *sigh* Lee Hongki, I love your marvellous voice and you.

Here's a 2009 meme!

2010-01-01T00:29:00.007+08:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
♥ I played an electric guitar.
♥ For the first time, I used a great deal of effort to study for exams (read: SPM/final high school examinations).
♥ I did a dance routine on stage with my friends during Graduation Night.
♥ I sang a favourite song to my friend through the phone.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. Call me lazy, but I don't think I will next year either. I just want to get on with life and stop thinking about the past and what could have been.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Hong Kong during February.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
♥ A boyfriend. /snort I'd like one, but I'm not settling for just some random guy. It just feels... lonely by myself. You know, a void friends can't fill...
♥ Better social skills.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8th December, the day SPM ended. The dinner with friends at Pasta Zanmai was amazing. Maybe it was the stress being let out and all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being able to dance on stage, though it wasn't exactly a good performance.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to pick up the pieces and spending time moping when I got rejected by someone I really liked.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
To the heart. Otherwise, I'm fine :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Guitaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, obviously XD

12. Where did most of your money go?
Not sure. Jrock goods I think.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
♥ Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood.
♥ Alice Nine's Hana single and 5 years anniversary photobook.

14. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I have no idea.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Not lovesick.

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studying, especially Add Maths. God I hate myself for neglecting it for nearly 2 years. I definitely paid the price in my exams.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Moping about the person I like.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
At Mid Valley (shopping mall) with my family, looking at the Christmas decorations.

19. Did you fall in love in 2009?
More like, I fell out of it. I hope. :/ Wait, I fell in love with one person! His name is Jung Yonghwa. :')

20. How many one-night stands?
0, kkthx

21. What was your favorite TV program?
That's between Bones and The Mentalist :)

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

23. What was the best book you read?
I don't even remember what books I read. Sad but true D: I read mostly (good) fanfiction.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The GazettE. Rediscovering FT Island.

25. What did you want and get?
Important ones are my guitar (Nightstar), VANDALIZE album, and PIECES OF 5IVE ELEMENTS photobook.

26. What did you want and not get?
A pretty black dress I saw at Mid Valley ;______;

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't know... don't remember.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It just passed a couple days ago XD I just turned 17. I ate lunch with 2 friends, walked around at the mall, got some presents, and had a Chinese dinner with my family minus eldest sister. I was very happy. Had delicious raspberry yoghurt cake and called a few random people (aka close friends) because calls were free on that day :') Pity I had to call her though. I wouldn't say it ruined my day, but I cried.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
For that person I liked to have feelings for me. Oh well.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Slightly on the boyish side, since I cut my hair short in the middle of the year. Black nail polish, multiple rings. Lol.

31. What kept you sane?
Music, of course. Also, telling my closest friends about my problems.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
HIROTO!

33. What political issues stirred you the most?
Certain political parties airing dirty linen in public :/ Embarrassing as hell.

34. Who did you miss?
The person I liked (I think I'll use TPIL as a nickname XD;). Hazi.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Pui Lei and Janice.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Even if you try as hard as you can to achieve what you want, some things cannot happen. These come pretty rare though, so I'll still work hard!

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Morning comes for the umpteenth time, I nestle close to my guitar
I don't think you'll come, the melody I pick out is sent towards you
(from Alice Nine - SLEEPWALKER)

38. Where did you begin 2009?
I don't remember!

39. What was your relationship status by Valentine's Day?
Single as always. Lolz.

40. Were you in school anytime this year?
Wat. =w= Weird question.

41. How did you earn your money?
Parents buy me stuff. :)

42. Did you have to go to the hospital?
No.

43. Did you have any encounters with the police?
No.

44. Would you relive 2009 over and over again?
Well... yeah. Damn, I seriously need to let go of the past. D:

45. What did you purchase that was over $1000?
I wouldn't dream of buying something that expensive. My guitar was nearly $800 though.

46. Did you know anybody who got married?
No.

47. Has anyone betrayed you in 2009?
...in a way, I consider it as yes. One person.

48. Where do you live now?
~~Computerland~~ Malaysia.

49. What's something you thought you'd never do but did in 2009?
Dancing on a stage XD

50. What has been your favorite moment?
Having long talks with TPIL on the phone.

51. What's something you learned about yourself?
I find it hard to let go of old things.

52. Were you in a relationship this year?
No.

53. What music will you remember 2009 by?
Alice Nine - Waterfall.

54. Would you say you've changed since the beginning of this year?
Yes.

55. Do you think 2010 will be better or worse?
It's going to be radically different, but I'll make the best I can out of it. Aja aja!

Oh, btw. Happy New Year! ♥

Guitar~

2009-12-30T19:17:00.002+08:00

I got my electric guitar yesterday, 29/12/2009!! :'D

It's a Paul Reed Smith, Student Edition EG bought through the recommendation of my teacher.

Both my dad and I nearly keeled over at the price o___o; It was RM2700 (!!! *BALKS*). My mom threw quite a fit when she found out about the price, 'cause she had expected me to get a RM600 guitar. Plus the amplifier and books, etc it cost quite a bit more. It's price for quality though. PRS is supposed to make really good guitars, judging from internet reviews, etc, which means I can use this even as a semi-professional. The sound it makes is very clear and warm, I love it! No rock-effects until I can play better though, just had my first lesson today XD

[ D o m ] ™ says:
Wow.. PRS is pretty damn good

- ♪ [ ヒロト ☆ f u j i ] - 17th year of being alive says:
idk, it was recommended by the teacher
XD

[ D o m ] ™ says:
Well, you're learning how to play on a really good guitar

[ D o m ] ™ says:
Paul Reed Smith
Is just amazing

Ahah convo with a friend. :D;

The antique white is really pretty. I was originally hoping to have one in black like Pon's Fender, but this one works as well. I hope to improve, be really good, play in a band and eventually achieve fame someday =w=

I feel like naming my guitar, but I can't think of a suitable name. Any suggestions? ♥

Comic Fiesta 2009

2009-12-21T17:21:00.019+08:00

Day 1 - 19th December 2009

After not attending CF for a few years, I definitely got a super culture shock when I went into the hall. Cosplayers everywhere, it was so amazing! Hung out with Liyana, Yi Laine, Frisha and Shu May at intervals, other times I spent wandering around. Spend RM70 on goods alone, I nearly freaked when I saw my bill D: Still, I got really awesome Ruki and Uruha realistic drawing prints, that was definitely the highlight of my purchases ♥ The owners of that booth were so cool too, willing to give me a small discount and a Miyavi bookmark for free. :')

It was my first time doing a serious dress-up (I don't really consider gothic as cosplay) at a convention. Some pics (from me and Yi Laine):

Me and Shiki Senri from Vampire Knight~

Me with another gothic vkei-ish cosplayer

A ball-jointed doll with glasses ♥ I love it!

Me with Sasori from Naruto

Byakuya and I! He was shyly sporting XD~

Me with two Lelouch-es from Code Geass. Too bad it's blur :<

I'm not sure about this one, but it looks cool XD;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 2 - 20th December 2009

I originally did not plan to go to Day 2, but all the excitement got to me somehow and I ended up going anyway. Brought my camera but left the battery charging at home -___- I was ready to stab myself loool. Didn't regret it anyhow! The solo cosplay competition was really good. Lots of laughter, socks and metal boy love (Garland should have won! D:). I ended up participating in the open-stage final dance too, it was incredible! The hyperness and fooling around was like a drug XD I really enjoyed myself up there~

With Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist!!! <333 So much red X__X

With Spirited Away's Ghost :DDDD I love it so much ♥

Ouran High School Host Club. Tamaki was completely in character... ~~flirt~~

Crappy camera phone pics begin (click for bigger)!
Ghost-san with an octopus on its head ♥

Sebastian Michaelis from Kuroshitsuji~ Handsome guy :')

Cosplayers on stage, posing towards the end of the day!

Sebastian and Tamaki in the middle~

CARAMELLDANSEN TIEM

I hugged Tamaki on stage then took his picture :3

Youtube links to Caramelldansen:
First part
Second part

*reliving the epicness*

you're beautiful

2009-12-14T17:17:00.003+08:00

Dammit, it makes me ache so much to see such a sweet guy like Shinwoo get rejected. If this was the fate of the perfect guy, I'd rather they don't exist. (And I don't have to be all jealous)

Lol Korean dramas. *facepalm*

confusion

2009-12-10T13:38:00.003+08:00

Past two days has been a flurry of activities for me. SPM is officially over now, but not with a bang like I had expected - more like, with a sigh of relief tinged with a little sadness. Life in SMK (P) Sri Aman is finally over. There will be people that I miss a lot, but contact is almost out of the question. Oh well... life goes on. Said without much conviction right now, but someday I'll get over it.

Went out for a celebratory dinner at Sunway Pyramid after Chemistry with Sarah, Lei, Vin Lum, Jia Chee, Ju, Kay and JYP. The next day, it was an outing to The Curve with just Sarah and Lei, with Ju making a guest appearance XD

Still can't believe it's over...

musings

2009-12-03T16:33:00.005+08:00

The sky is extraordinary today. At school, it was a deep, deep blue with large swathes of white clouds swirling in elegant patterns - and while on the car ride home, there were humongous greyish-blue clouds. Nevertheless, they did not seem to cast gloom as rainclouds usually do - only awe. Right beside those rainclouds were patches of pale, powder-blue sky. As if hope and innocence were glimmering even while surrounded by darkness.

It's almost like the sky is celebrating the end of Physics papers. And for me, every other subject except Chemistry.

I don't know what I'm going to do after exams~ I'd probably be relaxing happily at home or going out with friends, but I know I'd be lost without school. Yet, I'm already resigned to that fact by now... and although I haven't the faintest idea what it is, I'm already looking forward to what's in store for me in the future.

okay, so

2009-11-22T12:23:00.003+08:00

BM, English and Sejarah are over. Next up, Maths, Moral and ADD MATHS. And most of the blogs I usually visit are dead. Guess everyone is dead serious about SPM, after all. I feel bad for still onlining X_X

Anyway, gambatte! \o/

friends

2009-11-18T05:27:00.003+08:00

In 2 and a half hours, all the Form 5s in the country will be facing BM1. That is SPM's (quite reasonable) way of greeting her bright-eyed students.

My English Literature teacher used to say, every examination is a war and every paper is a battle. Enjoy fighting, all!

one day more

2009-11-17T09:13:00.006+08:00

ღ Rain, rain, rain the entire day. It was so damn cold last night, I slept cocooned in my comforter and with the fan on. I think I get cold easily. :(

ღ Now I spend the whole day facing my books, I jab myself with my highlighter at least 5 times everyday. Curse poor tip-to-cap aiming skills.

ONE DAY MORE, FUCKERS. Are you guys ready?!?!

shimmering dreams

2009-11-13T16:46:00.006+08:00

The last day of school has safely passed. All there's left now is the looming SPM - then after that, what? So many things has happened in my five years in Sri Aman. Now I'm leaving?

ღ Despite my many shortcomings, I gained acceptance and understanding from many schoolmates. (That was something I failed to receive in primary school.) From my friends' neverending support, I was able to gain some confidence. It's definitely not at breaking-the-roof levels yet, but still.

ღ I began to understand myself better. And somehow ended up even more lost and confused in the process, but I'm blaming that on turbulent hormones. (Too much stimuli? Lol Bio *gets shot*)

ღ I had some pretty amazing fun times with my friends. Watching Lei and Thiru mock-fight is incredibly amusing. Sarah and her all-round spazziness/moodiness. Liyana's rambling is funny. Kaze-chan and her kind words and care. Hanging with Chai Wei during taekwondo. And performing for Wonder Bang is pretty cool in itself.

ღ Classes. Those in which I can't concentrate (eg. BM, Moral, English), those that are funny as hell (Physics), those that I don't really understand (Add Maths, but I'm working on it), and then some. Bio is fun in a way too, I always feel like I absorb info like a giant sponge listening to Datin M talk.

ღ Canteen food XD Nasi lemak, nasi ayam, roti canai, nuggets, sausages, wanton, keropok lekor, muffins (heavenly!), and ice-cream ♥ The food isn't always the best but I do enjoy it, in an accepting-ish way.

ღ I got my heart broken twice, in different ways. Painful as hell, especially the person who kept doing it without actually realizing. No, I'm not a lesbo. Or am I?

There's actually so many things I've gone through but can't recall at the moment, but these warm feelings within me will last for a long, long time. Emotions are so hard to put into words, aren't they?

On towards SPM. Good luck to all of us!

study study

2009-11-05T12:21:00.006+08:00

13 days to SPM. I'm half-freaking out with the amount of stuff I have to go through. But like always, I keep getting distracted every 15 minutes while studying -.- I really need to concentrate, especially in Add Maths and Chemistry in which I feel like I don't know anything T__T

But it's the last exam! Aja aja!

wow

2009-10-24T16:23:00.009+08:00

The past 3 days literally flew by without me realizing. There was so much to do, so little time! See, Friday (23/10) was SMK (P) Sri Aman's Graduation Night. Two days before, on Wednesday, Lei came up with the idea of performing a dance on that night. She roped in a bunch of people and walah! We began training that evening itself.

It was absolutely insane. On Wednesday, I was supposed to head to Rubini's house to do Add Maths together, but instead I went to Lei's house to practice instead. Lol. Only went home at 7pm after 4 hours of practice. Of course, we still continued practicing through the night at our respective homes. Dance took over practically every aspect of my life at this point, it was the only thing in my mind.

Then Thursday came, we finalized the tracklist, which was Abracadabra, Don't Don and Heartbreaker. Realized that my entire body was aching from practice, especially my lower back. Climbing stairs was terrible. Continues practicing at the gallery after school until 4.30pm (with Sarah, who can't make it to Lei's house for practice). After that we headed to Lei's house and I stayed till 6.45pm. There were some differences in opinion about the inclusion of "Again & Again" by 2PM, but we finally decided to add it in our tracklist before Abracadabra.

Friday dawned after 2 hours of fitful sleep. Rushed to school, had Bio and Physics lessons before going off to Kelab Golf Negara Subang (KGNS) at 9.30am for final practice at the venue. It went on till 12.45pm where Lei's dad fetched a couple of us back to school. I went home, bathed and got ready, packed lunch, and headed to Thiru's house. Thiru, Lei and me were to go to Thiru's aunt's shop in Klang for a makeup session. It dragged on much longer than we thought, and only left Klang at nearly 7pm. There was a horrible traffic jam back to PJ, and only reached KGNS at 8.30pm, which meant we were late for around half an hour. Ended up missing the walking in and the speeches. Got the scroll, graduation Winney the Pooh toy and a handshake on stage, then went to the stairs for a class picture.

Went back into the hall where they began to serve food. To my horror, the performances were starting at that time! Lei and I scoffed down a few pieces of the appetizer before rushing to change our pretty evening clothes to dance clothes. (Only wore my dress in the event for 5 minutes :( )

Changing was hectic as anything, I was panicking all the way to backstage. None of us felt ready at all. But the support the audience showed was amazing, the screams were incredible and gave me some confidence. Especially Rubini screaming "Chooi Yiiiii" as the music started :') And we danced. I was slow at the Don't Don part, and right at the end after we posed, I began to move backward for some reason. So sesated =.=; I guess I was really surprised with myself for actually going through with the performance. Oh well, I guess it's not bad for 2 days' preparation.

Ended up missing most of the dinner, but the food was mediocre to say the least. Only the red bean pancake as the dessert was good. Sigh. So we got around to camwhoring with anybody and everybody XD Nearly everyone was ignoring the food, haha. And oh, one curious thing. Liyana 5SA smiled in pictures that night. :D/ This dragged on for 2 hours until about 11.30pm where the event ended. Wonder Bang (minus Sarah plus Christine) went to SS2 McD to get some grub/celebration for performing + advance Lei's birthday (which is tomorrow). Ju's aunt drove me back, reached home at 12.40am I think. Went online at 2.30am to check for Wonder Bang pics. Rubini had some awesome ones, yay!

Man, what a day to remember. ♥

golden time lover

2009-10-13T15:24:00.010+08:00

Woah, I've been really abandoning my blog, haven't I?

Well, the only update with my life right now is that Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood has completely eaten my brains. *is 100% fangirl* My past few days of the PMR holiday given to Form 5s consisted of me devouring wonderfully-written FMA fanfics. The level of writing is just fantastic. Of course, that's to be expected when the anime itself is so layered and dark.

And yes, just in time for SPM too, don't you think? :/ No kidding now, I really need to be kicked off the computer. I'm so reluctant, though... now I've rediscovered FMA. It was a bad decision to watch it before SPM after all...

pretty day, ugly people

2009-09-22T13:20:00.004+08:00

Just a while ago, I went to this clothing shop that was having a sale with all items going for RM20. The catch is, you can't try the clothes on. Doesn't matter though, the clothes were really nothing much to shout about. As I was browsing through a rack, a checkered boyfriend shirt caught my eye. I was about to pick it up when a passing lady saw it, and literally snatched the hanger from my hands. I was too surprised to react, and let go. She walked off. Okay, what a bitch. I was a little sore but shrugged it off, since I probably wouldn't have purchased it anyway.

Later on, I was at the same rack when I noticed the lady's picked-out clothes at the end of the rack. Oh, I thought, so she didn't want it after all. Since she put it back on the rack right? I picked a few up and admired them. And guess what? Bitch came from a metre away and tried to snatch the clothes from me again. This time, I didn't let go and just stared at her incredulously. All the while in my head, I was just going, "Are you stupid?"

She seemed to notice that I wasn't going to back down this time as she announced, "Sorry, but these are mine." At that very convenient moment, a saleswoman came by and brought them to the counter for her. (They have shoddy customer service by the way.)

Okay. I mean, who in their right mind would just put clothes they want back on the rack?! Lazy bitch. <____< Man she pisses me off. Middle-aged bitch with a KOREAN PHONE RINGTONE. Hell, she gives Korean fans a bad name :/

Okay, I'm out.

i don't know you, but i want you all the more for that

2009-09-20T16:48:00.003+08:00

So it's the Raya holidays! Which means a week-long break in between SPM trials - only some school papers left for next week :) Man, talk about super exhaustion from studying. I don't know about other people, but I'm allowing myself to enjoy for a little while! Besides, the Raya spirit is somewhat infectious :)

I already have my enjoyment schedule laid out nicely: gonna download and watch a few episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, keep up with Alice Nine and f(x) fandoms, read some nice long A9 fanfics and of course, write some of my own :) And apparently Michelle C. is coming back to Malaysia next week, so some trips to the mall is in order too. Woot!

Must not forget to study though. I didn't do all that well in trials, due to lack of studying. :( Especially Chem, Physics and Add Math. Oh the horror...

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

will you sing with me?

2009-08-29T11:05:00.006+08:00

I went to bed yesterday night literally giggling like a maniac (thanks, Piece of 5ive Elements 100Q&A). But when I woke up this morning, I felt so incredibly sad. It must have been a dream that I no longer have any recollection of.

Real life never lurks far from fantasy, does it?

story draft #1: to be deleted :)

2009-08-24T11:34:00.008+08:00

Note: The members had been staying at Tora's house for the past few weeks, due to a busy schedule.

"Good evening, welcome to the 8 o'clock-" Tora made an impatient sound as he continued his assault on the TV remote. He had been flipping through the television channels for the past 15 minutes, yet all he saw was either news or documentary crap. He was about to give up and take a nap instead, but he finally settled on a sombre-looking talkshow. Tora had no idea what it was about, but he thought the guest speaker had some nice fake cleavage peeping through her blouse. Better than nothing, he thought.

There was a soft creak as Tora reached for his seventh can of cold beer from the plush grey sofa he was lying on. The slight movement caused Tora's spine to flare up in dull pain. He cursed loudly before drowning his frustration in one big gulp of beer. He hated it when pain from his ex-hernia revisited him whenever he overexerted himself after touring season.

Today was an unofficial off-day for all the members, whereby the only event lined up for the evening was a radio show featuring Shou and Saga as guests. The two left around three hours back, soon followed by Nao, who loudly declared that he was going to spend some time at Akihabara and that he'll be home soon. Hiroto, too, had been out since morning. Tora wasn't sure what he was up to, but it definitely had to be more fun than being stuck at home on an off-day.

Tora crumpled the now-empty beer can with his fingers and let it fall to the wooden floor. Chikin, alerted by the sound, leaped onto the sofa and snuggled up to its owner. Tora stroked the cat, feeling his eyelids flutter in alcohol-induced drowsiness. There was no doubt that he was ready for his nap now.

But seconds after he closed his eyes, he heard the sound of key turning in lock and instinctively opened them again. It was Hiroto that emerged from the doorway, his clothing damp from the rain.

Overall, he looked worse for wear. The guitarist's hair hung limply to his shoulders, and his breathing was harsh and irregular. But what worried Tora were Hiroto's dark, round eyes, usually full of life and passion. But this time, they stared ahead, blank and unfocused. Alarmed at his friend's state, Tora sat up and winced. "Hiroto."

The sound of Tora's voice seemed to snap Hiroto out of his reverie. "Hey, your back feeling better?" came his automatic response. But there was something off in his tone. Tora could hear it - no, feel it.

"A massage wouldn't be so bad." Tora cocked his head, signalling for Hiroto to sit next to him. The shorter man seemed to hesitate, contemplating excuses to take his leave, before finally obeying him. He accepted a can of beer pushed into his hands, opened it and took a sip. Slowly, Hiroto's tense shoulders relaxed a little.

"So, talk." Tora's eyebrows furrowed as his friend's features contorted into an expression much like physical pain. "What's wrong?" There was a silence that seemed to last for a decade as Hiroto waged a silent battle within himself.

"Remember Erika?" Hiroto finally croaked. "That girl that dumped me last month. After four years of being together." He began to shake with suppressed emotion. "She said I wasn't spending enough time with her, and she's found someone better. And asked me to forget our relationship. You knew that, right?"

Tora nodded tersely, gripping Hiroto's trembling hand to give him support. "I thought you got over it," he said as soothingly as he could. Why was he shaking like this? The taller man didn't understand.

Hiroto took a deep breath and his trembling ceased. "Erika passed away a few hours ago. She had final-stage cancer and didn't want me to know. In fact, I wouldn't have known if her mother hadn't called me, crying, asking me to come to her deathbed this morning despite her protests."

Tora's mouth fell open. Words left him - he had nothing to say that could possibly comfort his friend.

"We were so busy with recording and touring." Hiroto whispered. "I had no idea she was sick." His hand clenched tightly around Tora's, nearly drawing blood. He let him abuse his hand, pulling the younger boy into a hug with the other.

As if on cue, the door opened again and Shou, Saga and Nao spilled in, joking and laughing. Tora sighed mentally - this news was going to be hard to break to the members.

--------------------

The four men, all clad in suits, watched in silent support as Hiroto placed his white rose on the coffin of the girl he had so adored. He then took out a small paper with lyrics scrawled on it in his messy handwriting.

"You loved music, didn't you?" He said quietly, stroking the smooth mahogany coffin." I wrote this song for you, Erika. No - we did," glancing at his bandmates - friends, confidantes. "It's called Dark Blossoms. We think it's beautiful, but it's not going to be released to the public. Because it is for your ears only." Hiroto smiled tearlessly.

But suddenly, a gust of wind swept the paper from the guitarist's hand. For a moment, it lingered high up in the air, then landed into the crowd some distance away, much like a flower petal.

-------------------

Like the pain of my ex-hernia or a failed relationship,
some unpleasant things do come again and again,
blooming as if in seasons.
But in my opinion, having your heart broken
is all the more reason to find someone to patch it up.
Lolwat, this is so random. <_<

Soft petals, of the palest hue
feed the flames within
singed to blackness, turned to ashes;
encased as eternal glow

random niceties

2009-08-21T23:00:00.006+08:00

Haha, yesterday was really kind of hilarious. Since I was lugging my beloved laptop around, I totally made full use of it. Which means endlessly promoting Alice Nine to friends/whoever that would listen, using SLEEPWALKER.

The PV drew some mixed reactions. Some thought arisu was creepy (Chai Wei) or didn't like them much. But that's okay, 'cause some did like them and their music :) Thiru likes the song, while Hazi thinks they're 'stylo giler' loooool. But in a good way of course. Funny stuff.

Lol today was kinda strange though. Nearly fell asleep in Bio, got told off by Pn. M. Ahahaha, I was tired. *guilty!face* Then there was the Ambang Merdeka celebration. Kinda not in the mood for patriotic celebration this year though, for some reason. Still, I get really high when I'm around Jaaan XD Heehee!

Our PJK teacher Pn. N gave us some fans and files, for the 13 people that came to school today. Random, but I guess that probably means that there isn't any more PJK? Hmm, I'd probably miss yelling my head off and running aimlessly in the field. Or maybe not.

5SC is one noisy bunch -.- We can make such a ruckus even though other classes have more people. 5SB was like studying O_O WAT.

The good news is, August holidays have begun! ♥ One week of... well... unfortunately there won't be much computer this time, since SPM trials are literally round the corner. Haven't started studying as usual. Time to start cracking on the books ne? X_X

little wonders

2009-08-20T14:30:00.004+08:00

Blogging at school right now. Woot!

Set 1A (English class) was allowed to bring their laptops to school today, for some interactive forum thingie. It's great! Well, not the foruming part exactly, though that was actually sort of amusing. No, it's the fact that I can go online without my parents nagging, nagging, nagging at me. Oh the horror.

Just waiting for my mom to pick me up from school right now. While checking my LJ flist. Life's good. :D

melody

2009-08-16T13:58:00.001+08:00

I feel like I'm freaking drunk. At 2pm in the afternoon.

I hate life drama.

memories

2009-08-10T23:39:00.015+08:00

I turn my eyes away from you as you speak, but my ears betray me. For they memorize every syllable - every word, and the way they sound as they leave your mouth. And my stomach twists, sinks, as your voice rasps against my soul.

Quietly, my brain stores you away, as it has done a thousand times before. And your chilly warmth is tucked into a corner that my consciousness cannot touch. As if it was something precious.

I wish it wasn't.

ominous ramblings

2009-08-05T12:47:00.022+08:00

ღ Apparently, my grandmother suffered a stroke at home. 'Tis a scary thing when your grandpa wakes you up at 11am asking for help, and when you go downstairs, you're greeted by the sight of a blank-eyed lady lying at the foot of the bed, moaning deliriously.

An ambulance just picked her up seconds ago. And all I can think about is why all this has to coincide with today, which is the release of Alice Nine's single Hana. It was supposed to be a joyful day.

I feel like such a terrible person.

Edit: So my grandma didn't have a stroke, she had hypoglaecemia/low blood sugar. She's fine now :)

ღ School has been closed for a week starting from today, due to suspected H1N1 cases amongst the students. Good news for us, a well-deserved holiday of sorts. H1N1 phobia everywhere now, after the 8th victim that died. Suddenly, the outbreak seems a lot more serious that people initially expected.

ღ My thoughts are all over the place right now.

eh?

2009-08-02T11:20:00.008+08:00

ღ I just realized that I actually do have recurring dreams. Cool.

ღ I need someone special my poems can be dedicated to. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're ineligible :p

ღ Every blog post feels like a milestone for me, for some reason.

here comes goodbye

2009-07-31T00:11:00.011+08:00

4 days of Teknik Menjawab has passed. It got consecutively better, mainly because we had a table for each student during the last two days :) I'm telling you, it's terrible having to have only a chair and nothing else, and be expected to sit there for hours at a stretch. Seriously!

Went for the Quiz Fizik Kebangsaan this morning. It was awful o__o; Couldn't answer shit. Kesian man. Ended up tembak-ing pretty much the whole paper. *feels stupid = =*

In other news. I really, really despise the feeling of wanting to talk to someone so badly... but not daring to, even when the person is standing right beside me. And then feeling like shit after that. God.

Today's incident frustrated me so much, I ended up crying. Whenever that person is involved though, tears often flowed freely. No, I'm not usually a crybaby when it comes to real life. It's just... well... sigh. I hate being this dependent on someone that probably doesn't give a damn.

NAO-CHANNN MY DARLING. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! ♥♥♥

one of the people i genuinely respected

2009-07-26T00:43:00.002+08:00

Yasmin Ahmad has passed on.

No...

instrumental tears

2009-07-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

Life is so much more complicated than it should be. All these feelings... I don't want them. Not for that person. Not anymore. I've suffered too much. I can't tell anyone... no one could understand... how it slowly drives me insane.

But I'm fine, really. It's just moments like this when the severity of my emotions overwhelms me, and I can't do anything but to wait for the heartache to go into remission.

It's this song. Prisoner of Love's instrumental... the song of sadness and pain. The soundtrack of broken hearts... of Michiru, Ruka and Takeru. It shatters all my barriers as well. *smiles softly*

You did well to be born... The world isn't a bad place.
From now on, many wonderful things will happen.
I'm sure there will.

oh ruka...

how i love you,

and wish you were real.

and your words too...

red string of friendship

2009-07-24T19:53:00.000+08:00

Finished watching Last Friends last weekend. Great stuff. :') I'd have loved to see more of RukaxMichiru though... and TakeruxRuka too. Oh well. Still. Ruka, I love you so much! ♥

今日ね... おもしろいな日とおもうね ^^~ うん. A bee apparently landed on my back during Bio class and left pollen on me. Datin M joked that the bee thought I was a pretty little blue flower.

...poor confused thing. Lucky I couldn't see it though, or I'd have screamed the whole place down. Insects *shivers*

Today, I realized how sucky my BM ~really~ was, in an (unusually) enlightening class. I was basically just writing crap in all my exams for one and a half years. No wonder I always missed my A. Hopefully I'll improve from now on. いや... きっとかならず.

I have to admit, although I'm convinced that Pn. A is batshit insane, class ends up funny in a somewhat sadistic way. >< Weirdness galore.

I wonder if anyone still reads this blog... sigh. Except you, Rubini. I know you do already :) If you're one of the people who do, do comment on my chatbox once in a while ne? It's so lonely there.

But then again... as my blog ages slowly, I realize that I'm actually writing all these entries for myself. As a memoir, really. 10 years from now, when I'm all disgustingly mature (lol) and can no longer remember how my high school days were like, I still have this blog to come back to.

truth?

2009-07-14T18:17:00.000+08:00

My feelings - they mesh and fuse together into a ball of such monstrous mess, I have no idea what I'm feeling anymore. But I recognize one emotion among all the rest: disgust. And betrayal, perhaps.

Rekishi is honestly, hell on earth. I have no idea why I got SO lucky today, to be picked as the new AJK. WHEN SHE KNOWS I'M ALREADY PHYSICS AJK. I thought people, no matter how horrible they are, would at least have an ounce of sense. My Physics duties aren't that little, for God's sake. Some people obviously have not a shred of logic or empathy in them. God help her.

In other news... should I go to the Japanese ceramah thingy after school at Kuala Selangor tomorrow? There isn't any taekwondo so I'm free, but it's all the way in Kuala Selangor. I'm not sure about having transport home either, since we'll probably reach school late. Still. Japan + scholarship = DO WANT. ><;; Shiranai de~su.

i'm just a prisoner of love

2009-07-12T19:56:00.000+08:00

Watching Last Friends, a jdrama. I was literally weak at the knees by the time I finished episode 2. Damn. Wish I had a friend like Ruka. She's so awesomely protective, ya know?

Episode 3 later tonight!

>>> Homework: OIIIII! WHAT ABOUT US YOU IDIOT!!!!!! T____T
>>> Me: Woahh. I'm going to regret this, but... JA NE! *runs*

today~

2009-07-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

Was a great day, I guess. It was Hari Terbuka, my last one in Sri Aman. I'll miss the quietness of the class while waiting for our parents to pick us up. Pity I didn't get Pn. N as the teacher-discusser though. My dad was just a tad late in coming... darn. I would have loved to listen to what she had to say about me o__o

Gave L her early birthday present today. She seemed to like it. Great, cause I liked it a lot too :) I hope it'll get some use~

Hazi & Sarah~ I know you're both not reading this, but still, good luck for the Petronas scholarship interview!

uh-oh

2009-06-24T17:12:00.000+08:00

I'm sick. Had dizzy and headache spells, and was breaking out in cold sweat the whole day. With the recent A(H1N1) scare, this is not good news.

Pn. L said in class today that "Love is pure bull." Naive as I am, I beg to differ. I believe that every connection we share with someone is special. Sure, humans fall in and out of love easily... even I can testify for that to an extent. But I think we'll all find a certain someone someday, someone that helps us go beyond the shallow love that exists far too commonly nowadays.

We just have to wait. Agree?

sigh

2009-06-14T00:30:00.001+08:00

Went for a chinese multi-course dinner at Chuai Heng restaurant today. There was a wedding going on, and I'm telling you, the commentator was goddamn awful. Crude jokes, screaming into the mic, and singing! In a TRANSLUCENT sleeveless shirt. God's sake. And their karaoke session was... *face turns green*

japan otaku and moolah matters

2009-06-05T17:01:00.000+08:00

Ate a bento from Jusco for lunch today. Delicious stuff :D!

This week has been pretty wonderful for me. My aunt from UK is staying with us for a visit, so I get to go places. Yay! I hope we'll go to KLCC soon. Kinokuniya is calling out for me~

I think I'm a way too impulsive buyer :/ Just got 3 manga yesterday when I told myself I'd get one or two. Not like I won't read them though. But the problem is that once I enter a store, I rarely leave empty-handed. D: At this rate, I'm going to exhaust all my pocket money.

...plus Alice Nine is coming out with a new single and a photobook in August. They're expensive, but I want (at least) the photobook. That's more than RM100 NOT including shipping. *cries*

and love needs to touch

2009-06-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

Saw this Squier guitar at Mid Valley today. It has such a pretty sound. Although it's not an actual Fender strat, it's still almost Hiroto's guitar model. XD; *wants it badly D:*

Wooooot. I've been watching Vampire Knight these few days, it's pretty awesome :D It has the just the right amounts of eye-candy and suspense. \o/ Hoookay, off to go watch another episode!

because someone wants to read.

2009-06-02T22:02:00.000+08:00

Silence's breath, a gentle hum
Smell of death, a presence numb
Tears of pain, glimmer of fair -
Tainted soul; tragic despair

White scenery; its cold touch
S'hollow beauty, clear as such
Crystalline lips; speak thy name
And hear it fade, ne'er the same

© Lim Chooi Yi

A/N: Wrote this poem during the PJK exam, and tweaked a bit after school. Sorry bout the lateness yo, Ainil :P

traceless thoughts

2009-05-31T01:52:00.000+08:00

Times like these are what makes me feel alive. Up in the middle of the night. My mind races so fast - every emotion my body could hold, every issue close to my heart melted into one unending stream of thought. Yet, there is a strange calm that resounds in me. Acceptance, perhaps?

Heartquake.

I think about how love changes - in a way, hampers - daily life. How people get their hearts broken into a million pieces, yet still search endlessly for their elusive true love.

I used to love freely, with everything I had within my heart and soul. I'm not sure if I want to believe in it anymore. There are just too many fragile attachments, a dependency that no one can fulfil. Not for me.

To love and get your heart broken, that is an immeasurably painful thing.

It is as if beyond my boisterous, expressive surface, there is a gentle, bubbling stream flowing in me. The effect is calming, yet... it feels so hollow. I don't really understand either, but I think it's what you call Resignation.

There are certain people that I had loved with all my heart. But I am tired of loving them so much and not getting anything in return. I am mentally stretched and exhausted - I don't want to try anymore. I am just going to concentrate on people that show their appreciation for my care. I no longer want to be sad watching other people be happy. I want to move on.

My brain has not rested from its train of thought for 2 straight hours. Neither does it feel like resting. And neither do I want it to rest, until it finds the answers that it has been seeking.

hello people.

2009-05-29T15:31:00.000+08:00

Long time no post XD Anyone missed me?

Well - nothing much going on. Exam's over, holidays start today. Yay! Today was the school Teacher's Day celebration. It was pretty great XD

Hm. That's all. Maybe I'll blog again later, I'm not really in the mood right now.

P.S. I hate unresponsive people.

a little rest

2009-05-16T22:12:00.000+08:00

In the weekend in the middle of midterms.

I really don't want to study anymore. It's mentally and physically tiring me out. The only thing I want to do is to sit in front of the computer all day. To stay updated with my LJ flist, friends' blogs and vids on YT. With no other distractions.

But I wouldn't mind curling up on my bed late at night either - with the aircon on at just the right temperature, and my warm comforter around me to keep out the chill. And read shoujo manga. Whimsical stories about the proverbial girl next door falling in love with her perfect man - and having her gentle affections reciprocated in the end. Yeah, I know I have no life.

Come on... bye exams. Bye.

aw man...

2009-05-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Every time I head online, I can't tear myself off the computer. Always. *headdesks multiple times* For God's sake Chooi Yi, exam is in two days. Ugh. -.-

Anyways. Lots of Bio cramming at school today. We joined classes with 5SA in the later half, which was mildly interesting. The class had quite different feel, really. Not much else happened - during BM, our class carried and arranged tables and chairs in the hall for some event that's going to be held on Monday. Also, Su Wei gave out our 5SC pictures :) But now I'm wishing I got the 8R size for my candid one. Janice's one looks so great. :c

Took a rare nap today, from 2:30pm till 7:45pm :D;; Super-long, isn't it? I'm surprised as well - guess I'm even more tired than I thought. But if all goes well, I should be sleeping late tonight. After a nice long round of studying. Starting right about... now.

P.S. Changed my layout today into Saghei! Doesn't he look so cool in this picture? ♥

concise

2009-05-07T22:20:00.000+08:00

During today's English period, I had the time of my life making up words for the 'abbreviations' on Sarah's Ed Board shirt. Pwahaha! Apologies to teacher for not paying attention in class though. :x
Tora, BoA, I am Loser/Lame, I'm Real Lame, and my favourite: Innocent Alice (!!!!!! LMAO. and NINE letters in 'Editorial' FAK YEAH SARAH WE ARE SO LAME/GHEI :D)
This is gonna sound really fickle but for the first time, I actually like the fact that I'm an Ed Board member. Yeah, the shirt is that pretty. ♥

loooooool exams coming up soon. I should get back to studying. Why do I find myself saying this all the time? -.-

... somewhere in myself, I'm loving the fact that I'm chilling out online and just plain ignoring the guilt of not studying. In fact, I think I actually need this. :/ It feels like ages since I last broke the regulations and defied people's expectations. I do realize that more often than not, I'd end up in sticky situations - but it's just who I am, really. Reckless, and enjoying every moment of it. I just hope I don't regret this when exams are over.

3 days' time........ WTFFFFFFFFFF

suddenly-

2009-04-30T21:38:00.000+08:00

I feel so lonely.

I wish I could stop wallowing in self-pity, cause I know it's pathetic. But... y'know how you feel like you know about a person's life a little bit more when you read their blogs? Well, I see people living their lives voraciously with their friends. Quite enjoyable just to read, isn't it? And then...

I think about how monotonous my life is. How a simple, meaningful conversation was enough to keep me happy for an entire day. Well, maybe that isn't that bad... but uh. Gaad. Why am I emo-ing here? This belongs in my LJ -.-

I'm not sure if anyone gets what I mean. ごめんなさい。

a good conversation

2009-04-30T18:48:00.001+08:00

Therefore, I was happy. Thank you for having me around. :')

Pn. N's class today was... lmao, the one weirdest class we've ever had with her. The class was practically in tears laughing for the first 20 minutes of the period. "Oi, don't say a word!" was repeated to all those that attempted to make witty responses about her stage appearance yesterday, but obviously, our excitement couldn't be contained XDDDD Like I said, everyone was howling with mirth the entire time. Especially at the "Teacher, it's on YouTube!!!" comment. (though it probably isn't true) Bairavi said something about teacher taking bellydancing classes as well... Man, she really got it from teacher with that one. XD

Oh, Physics lessons. ♥

P.S. Got myself a cbox, finally. Spam away! Adding blog links soon as well. Hopefully. :3

of singing and epic buttshakes

2009-04-29T21:18:00.001+08:00

The Hannah Montana event after school was pretty fun, thankfully. I can't believe Pn. N's little 'performance' on stage is going to be broadcast on Disney Channel. lmao.
Can't wait for Physics tomorrow. XDDDD

Before that we took our school leaver's page pictures, blazers and all. Running around the school wearing my sister's black blazer and Selene's Interact skirt = suicide. I was practically drenched in sweat. ...But you didn't need to know that, did you? :3

today was

2009-04-28T22:40:00.001+08:00

A weird day. :/

5SC was supposed to take pictures for our school leaver's page today, but it didn't come to pass, unfortunately. Pn. M didn't agree with our theme. That's okay though... At least I got to try on Rubini's prefect uniform :)

After that (which was the first period), all the Form 5s headed to the hall for some grooming thing for the rest of the day. grooming... sounds like dog grooming. lol. It was mediocre to say the least... but things picked up at the last session, which was about makeup. Thiru and I attacked Ju-Lian with makeup! XD I thought she looked pretty, but I don't think the makeup artist agreed. lmao.

Just made a sweet little bread bento. :) I should get my butt off to do homework now though.

Hiroto + dark hair = ♥♥♥♥♥

fangirl alert

2009-04-26T01:16:00.001+08:00

I swore never to bring fangirlism to my blogspot. Guess what? I lied.
GODDAMMIT ARISU. Y SHOU HOT ARGHHH *_______*

Watched a movie "Amazing Grace" yesterday (Friday) at school.
Enjoyed it a lot. Wilberforce's actor had oodles of charisma and witty lines :)

...this has not been a very productive weekend work-wise. As usual.

hushed little secrets

2009-04-23T14:59:00.002+08:00

Apparently, badminton was cancelled today. Which means I'm stuck at school till 4pm.
Doesn't matter though. Time flies while I'm on the computer anyway. :)

Anyways, I had a bad dream last night.
So there's someone that I'm really frustrated with, but let's just call her X. I can't remember what she did in the dream that set me off, but I left the girl crying. I know that I whine and complain a lot, but I don't cry. Not in public, at least.
When I woke up I felt even more tired than before I went to bed. How nice. =.=

Gahh, I keep getting distracted by LJ XDD
Thiru copying me over there on the main library computer~ blogging!

Continuing my entry... Raah. Today we had a Program Senyum thingy, where the students were tasked with organizing interesting scientific experiments in the Biology lab. Of course I was only watching :D/
'Twas pretty fun, since Lei and I were skipping ceramah to check it out. Eheheh. I liked the experiment involving sulphur and potassium chloride powder. They mixed those in a mortar and when you grind it with a pestle, it makes loud mini explosions. Niceee. I was too chicken to try it out though XD!

Pn. L was talking about cyber sex, lovebites and sensual spots on the body in Moral today. Kudos to you if you were there, but if you weren't, too bad! You're not going to catch me explaining that here. :D

askdasjfakdas spent my last hour in 5SA chatting slash doing homework with Rubini (and Cherylina). It was great :) Oooomg this entry is so faking LONG. I'm signing off now XD Laters!

happy thoughts

2009-04-21T20:24:00.001+08:00

Today had some good weather. It was windy and really quite comfortable. :)
Thankfully, I didn't feel sleepy during lessons. I did sleep a little towards the end of Add Math though, when teacher had already stopped teaching.

My neck ached today, since I fell asleep reading the Bible for today's Postal Quiz. Also, I was afraid I wouldn't wake up to answer a preordained early-morning phone call. (Said person called while I was ready to go to school. Baka. =.=)

3rd May is a date to look forward to, I think. :)

"Yes Thiru? Why do you have a two over there?" - yesterday's Biology. Thiru... lmao.
Only we'd get it XDDD Man I couldn't stop laughing at that line...

Much laughter ensued in two lessons today. Pn. N was dressed nicely - armed with a black necklace, a waist cincher and her usual dry humor. Meanwhile, Pn. I spent half an hour of her lesson reminiscing about her disco-going and fence-climbing younger days. Laughing in the latter class was more rare though, so I'm happy.

lull

2009-04-19T21:37:00.001+08:00

Nothing much happened today (_ _;) Just some (lots of?) online time and homework.
Then again, nothing interesting usually happens to me. lmao. Am I boring you to tears yet? :T

assdfjhsdjadkj blogging every day when I don't really have anything to say is proving to be difficult. :/ Oh whatever. At least there're lots of updates in J-rock fandom, that's fo sho. :D

I'm going to fangirl on my LJ now, seeya.

humid saturdays

2009-04-18T20:42:00.002+08:00

What fun.

> It's so hot today.

>> The @#(#!&$& humidity. It's. freaking. suffocating.

>>> The neighbourhood's (?) main water pipe burst sometime this morning. It's like... 8:48pm right now and it's still getting fixed. WTF. Does it really take an entire day to fix a stupid pipe?!
... I WANT A BATH. addadfjghajhasdjkhadsa ;_____;

Onlined in the afternoon, did my Bio PEKA afterwards.
While listening to my Vandalize CD, of course. :)

good afternoon~

2009-04-17T15:57:00.002+08:00

Oh god, I am so wasted. :(

Yesterday was Sports Day, tiring but not entirely boring, thanks to Lee and Hazi. I didn’t manage to see Michelle though. *mentally slaps myself* To my disappointment, Biru only got third in perbarisan… but all the same, I made some new acquaintances I wouldn’t have known otherwise, so I guess it wasn’t for nothing. Thankfully, Biru still won in the overall scores. Kuning came second (by a hair’s breadth, I’m guessing – they really outdid themselves this year), followed by Merah and Hijau.

After that I went and lepak-ed at Hazi’s house again. Had to stay longer than I had intended due to my dad getting caught in traffic jams (HK relatives needed ferrying around). Our conversation got somewhat personal towards the end, and I ended up going home with a horrible headache. Fell asleep immediately without any dinner, I was that tired.

Originally, I hadn’t wanted to go to school today, since I wasn’t feeling very good. Plus I completely neglected my homework this week. But I made myself go anyway, since Hazi isn’t going to be around at school for two weeks starting from Monday. She probably wouldn’t miss me all that much, but I know I will. *sigh*

Was reading the Ten Kara no Okurimono manga after school. I’d recommend it to all bittersweet sappy romance lovers. ;_;

exhaustion

2009-04-15T22:44:00.001+08:00

Nearly fell asleep in class a few times today. I succeeded in sleeping for a few minutes in the Pondok Ilmu after Blue house practice ended, thankfully. I had to drag myself outside afterwards to wait for my dad though.

In English, the class was discussing about the discrimination Kino faced in The Pearl and how it was actually happening in the society. And for the umpteenth time, I realized how f*cked up the world really was. I'm sure we all understand how the world works by now, but why must everything... everyone be dog-eat-dog? It's so frustrating. Naive as it may seem, I wish people could just love each another for who they are. Sigh.

One of Pn. N's jokes in Physics (unexpectedly replacing BM) today cracked me up so hard. I was practically suffocating with laughter at the way she said it XD
"You know how to kill a person on their birthday? It's very easy. Just give a bunch of balloons filled with hydrogen gas to that person. Then, wait for the cake to come and the candles are lighted up under the balloons. Boom. Happy birthday. Now you know why I don't want to tell you my birthday."

Cause, you know. hydrogen + fire = explosion. Something like that. :D/

Blue house practice was ok. I had an uncanny revelation revealed to me, but I don't think it's appropriate to be elaborated on here. Too bad~
Anyhow, Hari Sukan tomorrow. All the best, Biru. Here's to hoping our long hard hours spent marching will pay off. Number one, here we come!

let it burn

2009-04-14T19:15:00.001+08:00

Imagine marching under the hot sun from 7:30am until 1:25pm! That's what the Blue house marching squad went through today, in our raptai hari sukan. It was absolutely insane. I think my skin is a few shades darker now. I hope it's not sunburned or anything.

That aside, I went to Hazi's house after school. Suffice to say, it was fun~ I had some great cocoa. XD Lazed around at the dining table the entire time because I was feeling so sleepily comfortable. Plus, her little kitties were playing climb-the-grille behind me~ Cuteness overload!

Ate a late mini lunch (Hot Cup and mandarin oranges mmm) at her house at 4pm-ish. Ended up going to dinner in KL later, together with my relatives visiting from Hong Kong. The food was pretty good. Fell asleep on the way back and slept all the way till morning. Without touching any homework. =_=

beauty in the filth

2009-04-14T19:08:00.001+08:00

Hello, and welcome to my blog.

In the 4 1/2 years I have made my existence known to the people in SMK (P) Sri Aman, I have never fully utilized my Blogger account. But it's never too late to start one, right? :)

I'm not sure if anyone wants to read what I have to say, or even know who I am. So here's the real deal: I am Lim Chooi Yi from 5SC, a Japan-fangirl who obsesses over visual kei and J-rock. But that's not the purpose I created this blog; I have my LiveJournal for fangirling purposes. This is a blog whereby I talk about real life; daily happenings in school and crap like that. Nothing overly personal though.

That's all for now. You'll hear from me again soon :)