 what should i say? my life story?  Sunday, March 13, 2011
Mom just had a fit of rage, as she's prone to every week or so. She forced me to miss guitar class today to fold my clothes because I didn't do it earlier. I cried so much my tissues fill up one-third of the wastepaper basket. I practiced excitedly for my lesson today as I was impatient to learn more of Metallica's One, which I'm beginning to love. Now I have to wait until Tuesday.
I guess it's because both my sister and I are so lazy and unwilling to clean up our mess sometimes. But heck, I do try out of guilt and responsibility. Admittedly, quite often I don't listen to her orders. I hate washing dishes, I feel way too lazy to clean my room and fold my clothes. And she just goes ballistic about it every single day. When she sees me she starts telling me to clean this and tidy that.
I'm hella tired of her directing me to do things every day. I don't blame her, after all it is her responsibility to make us better. But she unfailingly tells me to do things every day, again and again and again, and I feel like I have no longer a mind of my own. I just do as I'm told. I am surpressed to the point whereby I can't think for myself or even rebel. Maybe that's why I'm just not doing what she tells me to do anymore. Some part inside me says that enough is enough.
From her, I practiced my stony face to perfection - I never show my temper or emotion to her out of respect and fear. I don't want to be like my sister, who has a short fuse and would be annoyed with every sound or disturbance around her, especially my mom's nagging. I wanted to show everyone I could be patient. But now it's just turned to chronic ignorance. I simply shut out the things I don't want to see and hear.
And the people as well. My dad, who doesn't talk to me other from asking what time my college ends and endless shouting about me being on the computer too much. My sister that I haven't properly talked to in seven years, who keeps her disgusted face on all the time and leaves her mess around and sticks to her computer as well. And my mom, who on her good days is as sweet as a feather, but on bad days will scream in her high-pitched voice endlessly, and even will throw clothes out of the house and into the dustbin as she feels like it. And I just ignore everything. We are like strangers under the same roof. We're all suffering.
My parents already know of me wanting to move out and being on my own. I guess this is where I start becoming serious. I texted YL to see whether there is any room for rent in the house near Taylor's she's staying in. Although I can barely take care of myself - in fact I think I'm going to run into a lot of problems - I want to learn to try. I want to be independent. I don't want to feel old and sad and....not live anymore.
I don't have a life. I've become introverted and awkward around people because I have no one to practice my social skills with. Thus I have few friends, which kills me inside as I am a very fun-loving person. And with my friends I am insecure about how they view me. To top it all, the acne on my face makes me feel ashamed to even look people in the eye. I feel trapped in college and studies. The two things that make me feel alive, relaxed and happy is catching up on Korean pop and updates and listening to good (not too heavy) rock music. It's like my calling. My saviour. My escape until life snaps me back to reality with either screaming, or silence.
4:34 PM | back to top
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what should i say? my life story? Sunday, March 13, 2011
Mom just had a fit of rage, as she's prone to every week or so. She forced me to miss guitar class today to fold my clothes because I didn't do it earlier. I cried so much my tissues fill up one-third of the wastepaper basket. I practiced excitedly for my lesson today as I was impatient to learn more of Metallica's One, which I'm beginning to love. Now I have to wait until Tuesday.
I guess it's because both my sister and I are so lazy and unwilling to clean up our mess sometimes. But heck, I do try out of guilt and responsibility. Admittedly, quite often I don't listen to her orders. I hate washing dishes, I feel way too lazy to clean my room and fold my clothes. And she just goes ballistic about it every single day. When she sees me she starts telling me to clean this and tidy that.
I'm hella tired of her directing me to do things every day. I don't blame her, after all it is her responsibility to make us better. But she unfailingly tells me to do things every day, again and again and again, and I feel like I have no longer a mind of my own. I just do as I'm told. I am surpressed to the point whereby I can't think for myself or even rebel. Maybe that's why I'm just not doing what she tells me to do anymore. Some part inside me says that enough is enough.
From her, I practiced my stony face to perfection - I never show my temper or emotion to her out of respect and fear. I don't want to be like my sister, who has a short fuse and would be annoyed with every sound or disturbance around her, especially my mom's nagging. I wanted to show everyone I could be patient. But now it's just turned to chronic ignorance. I simply shut out the things I don't want to see and hear.
And the people as well. My dad, who doesn't talk to me other from asking what time my college ends and endless shouting about me being on the computer too much. My sister that I haven't properly talked to in seven years, who keeps her disgusted face on all the time and leaves her mess around and sticks to her computer as well. And my mom, who on her good days is as sweet as a feather, but on bad days will scream in her high-pitched voice endlessly, and even will throw clothes out of the house and into the dustbin as she feels like it. And I just ignore everything. We are like strangers under the same roof. We're all suffering.
My parents already know of me wanting to move out and being on my own. I guess this is where I start becoming serious. I texted YL to see whether there is any room for rent in the house near Taylor's she's staying in. Although I can barely take care of myself - in fact I think I'm going to run into a lot of problems - I want to learn to try. I want to be independent. I don't want to feel old and sad and....not live anymore.
I don't have a life. I've become introverted and awkward around people because I have no one to practice my social skills with. Thus I have few friends, which kills me inside as I am a very fun-loving person. And with my friends I am insecure about how they view me. To top it all, the acne on my face makes me feel ashamed to even look people in the eye. I feel trapped in college and studies. The two things that make me feel alive, relaxed and happy is catching up on Korean pop and updates and listening to good (not too heavy) rock music. It's like my calling. My saviour. My escape until life snaps me back to reality with either screaming, or silence.
4:34 PM | back to top
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